Boomer Outlook:
An Uncertain Future The generation that raised hell during the
Vietnam War, pushed civil rights and feminism, and redefined
education and all of society isn't about to sit in a nursing home
and crochet doilies. I don't know what is facing the baby boomer
generation as we age, but it will probably be noisy, it will
probably be revolutionary, and it may change the treatment of the
elderly for decades to come...
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It's Time
For A Few Laughs...Here's
Some Boomer Humor |
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You know you're getting old when...
- An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
- You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age...
And isn't breaking any laws.
- "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.
- People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown
at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, "I'll take the soup."
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A Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman has a
baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of
their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year old mother
says, "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says, "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see
the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask,
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says,
"because I forgot where I put it."
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on I95. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available in her town,
an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room,
having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger
in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you
call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone
doesn't have an eleven."
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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra
drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for
her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of
the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her
hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would
allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have
to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married
50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared,
50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat,
and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
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A ninety-four-year-old man
is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and
asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm
in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?"
asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You
don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make
love. At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then
she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break,
she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could
want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm
around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect
relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again
through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
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There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home
park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another
for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper
in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across
from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring
glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will
you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she
answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more
pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next
morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He
couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No
even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and
called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as
well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he
gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked
if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?" He was
delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant
it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
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An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor
was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering,
"Oh oh!" The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well,"
said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No,"
replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc, "I'm
afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex
life." Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the
looking or the thinking?"
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Seniors Sex Guide
- Put on your glasses. Double check that
your partner is actually in bed with you.
- Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you
doze off in the middle.
- Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL
OFF!
- Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial
before you begin.
- Write partner's name on your hand in case
you can't remember.
- Keep extra Polygrip close by so your
teeth don't end up under the bed.
- Have Tylenol ready in case you actually
complete the act.
- Make all the noise you want. The
neighbors are deaf too.
- If it works, call everyone you know with
the good news.
- Don't even think about trying it twice.
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Nightclub For Baby Boomers Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping
Antacid
by Tom AtteaA trendy new
nightclub that caters to baby boomers who find themselves
unexpectedly single was raided by police last night. Acting on a tip
from a twenty-something couple who entered the hotspot by accident,
police were able to determine that many of the partying patrons were
dropping antacid.
The owner, who was taken away in cuffs,
claimed, "I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that
stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers -
Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have
slipped them some complimentary club soda."
A female boomer noted, as she was being
booked, "I admit it. I've become addicted to Alka-Seltzer How would
you like to be in your fifties and be back out on the meat market? I
just hope my children understand."
A male patron, who was apprehended while
attempting to escape as fast as he could amble down the street,
lamented, "I'm single, I'm upset, so no wonder I need regular doses
of Mylanta. And there's nothing I won't do to get it - rob, murder,
even pick up a bottle at the drugstore."
To the relief of the distraught boomers, who
have a seemingly irrepressible urge to enjoy life even into their
later decades, the club is scheduled to reopen tonight.
However, upon arrival the trendy crowd will notice that a new sign
has been placed above the entrance, notifying them that "The
Possession Of Antacid On These Premises Is Strictly Forbidden."
About the Author: Tom Attea, creator of
NewsLaugh.com has had six
shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics
have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with
"good, genuine laughs."
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